The Tick of the Clock

Posted on | December 30, 2011 | 8 Comments

Oh 2011.

You brought me so many mixed blessings.  You broke and mended and broke and mended and broke again until I felt certain that I would never survive the onslaught of mental, physical, and emotional pain heaped on my shoulders. You made me question everything I thought I knew about every thing and every one around me. You showed me who my true friends are and who are those who can only be found when it’s convenient… for them. 

I could look back on the last 364 days and shake my head.  I could remember where I was this time last year and ask why and what I did to deserve all of the madness and sadness and fits of despair.  I could hole away in a quiet room and wait out the next 24(ish) hours until the clock strikes midnight and I can just maybe, just finally, just breathe again.

But I don’t want to.  I don’t want to focus on the divorce or the broken bones or the faltering figure of my youthful self.  I don’t want to look back on 2011 as anything other than 365 days of learning about who I am and what I am capable of doing.  I want to remember 2011 as a year when the world threw everything it could at me and I weathered it… all of it… even if I didn’t come out whole and unscathed.  Because let’s face it, 12:01 on Sunday morning isn’t going to change anything except the last digit of the date.  12:01 on Sunday morning isn’t going to bring glorious happiness or the end of all the world’s problems. 

It’s just a tick of a clock, just the passing of a second, just a nodded off sleep of another year in the books… another moment gone forever.

And so it is with sadness and hope that I say goodbye to this year.  I say goodbye to the last year that I will ever be married to my ex-husband.  I say goodbye to the last year that I will, God willing, ever go through divorce.  I say goodbye to the last year of my innocence and naivety when it comes to love and marriage and faithfulness.

I say goodbye to the wide-eyed girl who entered into 2011 and say hello to the wise-eyed woman who exits.

It is just the tick of a clock.  It is just the passing of a second. It is just the end of my girlhood, so long extended as to reach 34 years.

I am a mother.

I am an attorney.

I am divorced.

I am, finally, a grown up, full-fledged, 100% woman.

And I am throwing arms open wide and throwing back my head in laughter, welcoming in the start of something wonderful or terrible or a beautiful combination of both.  Because I don’t know what 2012 holds in store… I only know that 2011 tested me and tried me and found me gloriously lacking and brilliantly flawed.  And I embrace those flaws, those faults, those shortcomings.  I embrace 2011 as the year that taught me to love myself and to care for myself and to be… myself.

So thank you, 2011, for all of the turmoil.  Thank you for the heartache and the longing.  Thank you for the reminder that this is all so fleeting and all so temporary.  Thank you for passing, as all years do, one tender and heart wrenching second at a time.

May you all have 2012’s that are filled with a happy mixture of joy and pain, with sweetness and a touch of sour, with beauty and awe and amazement at everything laid out before you.  Because ultimately, it may just be a tick of the clock… but at the end of every moment… that’s all we can ever hope for… one more moment.  One more second.  One more day.

Happy New Year!


8 Responses to “The Tick of the Clock”

  1. Jana Anthoine
    December 30th, 2011 @ 4:48 pm

    Happy New Year! *clinks glasses* Cheers – here’s to 2012!

  2. Roxanne Piskel
    December 30th, 2011 @ 4:48 pm

    Happy New Year, LM. I wish you & J all the joy in the world.

  3. Katie Sluiter
    December 30th, 2011 @ 5:56 pm

    This? Was brilliant. 2011 was good to us. But only after 2005-2010 kicked our asses. You need more good than bad in 2012. More love than broken. More joy than sorrow. I wish that for you, friend. From the bottom of my heart.

  4. Krista
    December 30th, 2011 @ 7:58 pm

    This was really lovely. I so admire your strength.

  5. molly
    December 31st, 2011 @ 10:37 am

    May 2012 be beautiful for you, my friend. New beginnings and all that jazz 🙂

  6. Rachel Hamm
    January 1st, 2012 @ 12:28 pm

    Happy New Year! My friend, Jaclyn, told me to check out your blog and it did not disappoint! You are a fabulous writer and I hope 2012 brings you a lot to write about (hopefully happier things, but hey, sometimes the sad times bring out the best in us).

  7. @TheNextMartha
    January 1st, 2012 @ 1:19 pm

    You are so lovely. XO.

  8. Tami Lynn Ross
    January 1st, 2012 @ 9:39 pm

    I’ll drink to that!!!

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