Moving Forward

Posted on | January 23, 2012 | 11 Comments

Last night, my ex-husband wanted to Skype with J.  We called but J wasn’t really interested.  Finally, ex told J he loved him and I told J to say the same.  Instead, J said “No, you tell daddy you love him!”

And in one quick moment… in one quick smile… I realized that I no longer did.

I realized, as I smiled at J and told him I couldn’t do that, that I wasn’t even remotely near tears about it.  I realized that the words “I love you” would never be thought, or uttered, or felt in his father’s direction… ever again.

Someone told me, back when all this mess started, that it took the length of your relationship to get over your relationship.  And I admit,  I thought that meant I was going to be mourning this loss for almost five years… a thought that made me want to curl into a ball and disappear.  Certainly, I’m not saying that there won’t be times in the future that I will feel hurt or angry over something my ex does… and maybe that portion will take the whole five years we were together.  But I think that maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t take the length of the relationship.

I think it just takes long enough to let yourself become the person you are meant to be.

In April, I couldn’t function on my own.  I was small and scared and so very alone.  For three months, I gasped for air, relying on the strength of family and friends and this Internet community.  Slowly, but surely, I started to create a life for myself… gardening and painting and working overtime to feel like I was making something worth while.  I was improving my surroundings… I was improving myself.

By October, I was almost functioning on my own… far past the fear and concern of the first 24 weeks, but still a long way to go before I could draw my first, real breath.  I was getting stronger, getting wiser, getting ready to move into the world I had busily created.

And then… and now… forty weeks later… a full term, single momma was born. 

In a moment.

In a smile.

In a quick realization that “love” no longer meant “him”.

I have a long way to go.  I still have to learn to to take my first real steps in the dating world.  I still have to learn to feed myself through the times when my ex is in a relationship and introducing other women to our son.  I still have to learn so much.

But in this moment of awakening, I feel pretty good about my future.

In this moment of rebirth, I feel like maybe… just maybe… this new me is the me I was supposed to be all along.  Maybe, just maybe, some people need nine months of stillness to remember how to swim.

I’ve been treading water for nine months, strengthening my lungs, readying my feet, resting my head.

But now?

Now it’s time to stretch my arms, lengthen my legs… and start swimming again.

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