Terrible Two Year Old

Posted on | May 23, 2012 | 27 Comments

My toddler chucked a juice cup at my head this morning.  While I was driving.

He then proceeded to cry for a good fifteen minutes because he no longer had any juice to drink.

The mood swings? I AM OVER THEM.  This is like living with a menopausal woman or a tiny alzheimer’s patient.  I can’t get shit done because one moment he’s all happily playing with his toys and the next he’s taking a plastic shovel and trying to dig into the puppy’s brain with it.  Yesterday I counted from three to one so many times that the numbers actually stopped making any sense at all… they were just little yelps of confusion on repeat:

“Get over here right now, three… two… J! Stop hitting the dog right now! Three… two… WHY ARE YOU PULLING OFF YOUR CLOTHES? Put them back on now! Three… two… WE ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CHASE THE DOGS WITH THE VACUUM CLEANER… three… two..”

Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

There is not enough wine on the planet to get me through this stage.

He looks like a little angel, like a sweet, innocent child who needs snuggles and love.  But when no one else is looking, he flips his shit and turns into the ultimate two year old… temper tantrums, thrown food, kicks, hits, and screams. When I take a shower, he sneaks into the bathroom and turns on either the hot or cold water at the sink which makes my shower turn either hot or cold and when I scream and say “J! Turn the faucet off!” He looks at me all innocent eyes and says “But I didn’t turn it on!” Like there’s a polterguiest OTHER than him running around our house.

When he gets upset he gets right in my face and goes “NO!!!!” or “UHHHHHH!” really loudly until I want to grab him by the face and squeeze like a pimple until he stops being so freaking two and a half.  He rips cards in half, but only if they’re ones I treasure.  He throws my make up into the toilet or shoves it into the drain of the sink.  He takes my necklaces out of the jewelry box and throws them at me.  Then says “But I didn’t!” when I say “Do NOT throw things at Mommy.”

And then when he’s finished, he looks at me says “I want a treat” as though I’m going to just roll over and give the kid a twinkie for beaning me with a Vintage Pearl necklace.  When I say no, I get tears and full body collapse accompanied by “But I waaaannnnt it.  But I waannnt one.”

Bed time is a disaster.  Bath time is a disaster.  Dinner? You got it… disaster.  There has got to be a pill for this… (one for me, not for him), because honestly? One of us is not going to make it through this stage and if I were a betting woman, I’d put my money on him.  Because, I mean, hello? Look at him.  Who can stay mad…


27 Responses to “Terrible Two Year Old”

  1. Violina23
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 11:32 am

    My 2.5 year old threw the mother of all tantrums at naptime because her blanket was the WRONG COLOR.

    Yes, you read that correctly.


    She’s already been getting somewhat attached to these receiving blankets she’s been using in her crib since birth. But she never cared which one. And I don’t let her take it outside the house. So I wasn’t having any of that.

    She screamed like I was waterboarding her. I left her in there and took a shower, went downstairs, and turned the monitor off. After about 20 minutes she settled down and starting singing/playing, but alas no nap. And then when I went to get her, she said “Becca didn’t nap!”

    Yeah, tell me about it… *facepalm*

  2. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 11:35 am

    Everything is epic. Everything. Sandwich cut the wrong way? CATASTROPHE! Too much or too little water in the juice? Nuclear meltdown. It’s driving me nuts.

  3. Rachel D
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 11:37 am

    Oh man do I ever sympathize. I am in the trenches over here as well. Stay strong, I am confident they grow out of this stage. Here’s hoping you get a break now and again. Thank goodness for daycare teachers!

  4. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 11:38 am

    I tried to sell mine to his teacher today for $20.

    Somehow, she thought I was joking…

  5. Alexmommy626
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 11:49 am

    Oh good! My child isn’t the only one that suddenly gets possessed by monsters! I am taking comfort in knowing that I’m not alone.

  6. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 11:50 am

    Do you think an exorcism would help? Because I will totally do that if it will help…

  7. Heather Griffitts Clark
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 11:55 am

    Just keep breathing. And drinking wine. And reminding yourself that it IS a stage. It is. Promise. At 3 and a few months, my oldest is starting to outgrow it. We still have tantrums and mood swings, but not as severe and I’ve learned now what is likely to make her melt down and what I can get away with. My 19 month old is smack in the middle of it and I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better….and for whatever reason boys (at least in my experience) are more physical in their reactions. W definately throws and kicks more than M did at the same age.

    But it will pass, promise. 🙂

  8. Carmelanneowens
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 12:13 pm

    I feel our pain! Glad I am not alone! He is gorgeous!

  9. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 12:16 pm

    Definitely NOT alone. And thanks. 😉

  10. ej_phillips
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 12:32 pm

    People always ask me how I could ever say no to G because she’s so cute. I say, “Yeah, she is cute. But she’s also a selfish bitch, so that makes it easier.” I think people think I’m kidding when I say I spend most of my day sitting at the bottom of the stairs in timeout with a little girl who just can’t seem to stay in timeout without me nor can she seem not to beat up her big brother. Not to mention when I speak sternly to her in public she starts yelling “No spanking, Mommy!” like I beat her or something. Three times. She’s been spanked three times and all for running into the road . I spanked her then because I want her to associate pain with that behavior. It’s hard. I feel like the half years are the hardest. I promise by fall it’ll be different. Less tantrum, more whine. So more annoying than infuriating.

  11. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 1:09 pm

    Oh whining. Great. Fun for the future.

  12. Heather
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 1:05 pm

    One thing that got me through parenting this age (besides wine and mommy timeouts) was reminding myself that it’s not easy BEING a 2 year old. Imagine if you were bursting with new thoughts and discoveries daily but didn’t quite have the physical ability to follow through or the maturity to limit your impulses.

    I’m not saying I always felt empathetic toward my little monsters, but a little understanding can make them “being 2” feel less . . . personal 🙂

  13. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 1:10 pm

    Very true. Though I find it’s easier to put myself in his shoes when I’m either drinking or by myself… 😉

  14. IndyComp0T1
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 1:12 pm

    If you’re open to book suggestions, I would recommend reading “1-2-3 Magic”. It was recommended to me by a friend who is a child psychiatrist, and the book is FABULOUS. Seriously. It teaches parents not to lose their shit with their kids while maintaining control, and teaches kids who’s boss.

  15. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 1:13 pm

    Sweet, thanks! I’ll check into it. Of course, most books these days are getting chucked AT MY HEAD. 😉

  16. Mel
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 1:46 pm

    No advice…but MUCH commiseration lol. I think our boys are practically the same age (Sept 2009 here) – and it sounds like they could be twins. He won’t eat dinner anymore. He chews it…then spits it on the floor. One. bite. at. a. time. And pretty much everything else on your list. Let’s try to hang in there…sometimes being a working momma is hard, but these days….not so much!!! 🙂

  17. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 4:59 pm

    SO true… thank goodness for daycare teachers!! 🙂

  18. CK
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 2:24 pm

    Can I just tell you that I absolutely had to laugh at this? Because you have to laugh to keep from crying, right? My child is doing this exact thing, except I get to deal with it while fighting cancer. Which means I can do exactly nothing about it. I thank God every day that his Daddy and I are on the same page, and I pray hard for the day that I will be able to parent and not just sit on the sidelines. I also do my best not to beat myself up because I am NOT a bad parent, just a sick one. It’s not fair to myself or to my son to feel sorry for myself or to worry that he will grow up to be terrible because I am not able to parent as I would like to. You are not sick, but you are a single parent. And single parenting is ridiculously hard. Seriously. Give yourself some credit. Neither of our boys will end up being serial killers or anything; they are just in a phase. We’ll all get through it!

  19. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 5:01 pm

    We laugh to keep from crying, that’s for sure. I’m sure both our boys will survive these “roadblocks” quite nicely. 🙂

  20. molly
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 3:01 pm

    Oh girl. I feel you on this. 100%. The mood swings come out of nowhere and I’m sorry but after a year of this behavior, I am at my limit.

    It’s like negotiating with a tiny terrorist!

  21. lawmomma
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 5:00 pm

    Ugh. It so is. And it’s EXHAUSTING.

  22. Kate Sluiter
    May 23rd, 2012 @ 10:31 pm

    every single line in this post is my life too.

    right down to the adorable, blonde, curly haired boy.

    let’s put them in a room together, lock the door, and drink some wine.

  23. MaconMom
    May 24th, 2012 @ 12:34 pm

    I take great comfort in reading this and all the responses. Not alone! We will survive and so will they. One day they’ll be 18…ugh

  24. Breedlove E
    May 24th, 2012 @ 3:36 pm

    OMG Amen! And i HATE it when other people say “You should read this” or “try this” or “Give them CHOICES” OMG! so there with you!

  25. Jennifer Williams
    May 24th, 2012 @ 3:38 pm

    Be consistent and take lots of deep breaths. This too shall pass.

  26. Lola M.
    May 24th, 2012 @ 4:28 pm

    There were only two ways I survived it: earplugs and hiding in my closet. Earplugs because he wouldn’t receive a response and hiding in my closet because it’s illegal to shove your only begotten son in there.

  27. Foxfiregrrl
    May 24th, 2012 @ 9:19 pm

    Right there with you! 2 and a half sucks! My son yells back at me “You NOT tell me NO!” Ugh. Hopefully this stage will pass and quickly!

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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