Being Single…

Posted on | May 30, 2012 | 16 Comments

On Friday afternoon, I called my ex Mother-in-Law and asked if she would be willing to take J for the weekend.  I was feeling sick with a sore throat and stuffy head and to be honest? I was fed up with all the whining, throwing and hitting that was happening on the regular in my house.

So after work, I met my ex-in-laws at the outlet mall and handed over my precious toddler to be cared for and adored by his grandparents.  Then I promptly went home, bought beer, and holed up in my house with On Demand television. I set up an online dating profile and then stayed up late chatting with a few new friends.  I was up and raring to go on Saturday morning.  I shopped until I quite literally dropped, buying new clothes, new shoes, and then treating myself to a manicure/pedicure.  I went home and took a long bubble bath before settling back down in front of the television and watching a movie I’d been wanting to see for quite some time. 

On Sunday, I headed back to pick up my son at the outlet mall and I have to admit something a little tedious… I wasn’t looking forward to it.  It hurts me to say that, but it’s true.  I spent the drive thinking about how my whole life could be like that Saturday, if I didn’t have J.

Let’s be honest, the amount of time that I get to myself is minimal.  And I spent an entire day pampering myself with no thought to anyone other than myself.  It was amazing.  I felt young and vibrant and alive.  I felt gloriously single.  And in the forty-five minute drive to get my son, I did a lot of thinking about what that meant about who I am when he’s with me.  Was I cut out to be a single mom? Could I handle the stress, the pressure, the overwhelming ALL of it?  Maybe, just maybe, I thought to myself, being single is a whole lot more fun when there’s no kid there.

Because being single IS a lot more fun when you don’t have a child.  Honestly.  It is.

So it was somewhat reluctantly that I pulled into the outlet mall parking lot and waited for my son to arrive.   I wandered around the Talbots outlet, perusing the clothes and reminding myself that I had tubes for J’s ears to think about and I couldn’t spend any more money.  J’s grandmother called to let me know they arrived and I sighed deeply, stepping out of my single life and back into the daily drudge of single motherhood.

He was standing up in the backseat waving frantically, all curls and smiles and little boy.  The door swung open and he threw himself into my arms with an exuberant “MOMMY! I CAME BACK!”

And in an instant, I knew. 

Being single is easier than being a single mother.

Being single is less stressful than being a single mother.

But being a single mother is more rewarding than anything I’ve ever done in my life.

And so I scooped up my son and held him close, letting him hug away all my doubts and concerns about what I can do and who I can be.  Then I tucked him back into my car and drove us back home, happily, to the world where Tonka Trucks are more important than $10 martinis at a high class bar.


16 Responses to “Being Single…”

  1. Amy
    May 30th, 2012 @ 8:57 am

    I honestly felt the same way…

  2. Lawmomma77
    May 30th, 2012 @ 9:12 am

    That makes me feel so much better. 🙂 I always worry that people will read and be all “OH MY GOD YOU HORRIBLE MOTHER!”

  3. aim
    May 30th, 2012 @ 9:00 am

    You know what the difference is? You wouldn’t appreciate the pedi/shopping/etc if that was your “normal” life. You might even complain about how you “had” to go sit and get a pedi b/c your nails were chipping……
    Thats what I tell myself when the whining/chaos/transport of littles gets slightly overwhelming 😉

  4. Lawmomma77
    May 30th, 2012 @ 9:12 am

    LOL! I love how you think. And you’re probably right… if that was every day, I’d be all whiny about not having enough money to get my weekly massage! ha!

  5. Jana A (@jana0926)
    May 30th, 2012 @ 9:16 am

    I feel the same way. About being single (like, what if I just left my husband) and kidless (like, let the kid go with him)… it’s enticing. Proud of you for putting this out there!

  6. Lawmomma77
    May 30th, 2012 @ 9:54 am

    I think it’s normal to wonder and to wish life was as uncomplicated as possible. It certainly doesn’t mean we love our kids any less… it just means we wonder. Sometimes.

  7. MomofTwo
    May 30th, 2012 @ 10:03 am

    It’s strange, isn’t? I love my kids to pieces, but there are days that I just want/need a break. And when I get that break, I think about what they are doing, that I miss them, am I bad Mom for wanting a break?, etc. etc. Then, they come back and I think that there is nothing better than having those little arms wrap around my neck, squeeze me with all their might and tell me that they love me and that they missed me. And then, two hours later, in the midst of a toddler tantrum, I think: “Now why did we only let them go overnight and not the whole weekend?!” 🙂
    Despite my constant struggle of being a mom and working outside the house, despite the “guilt” of needing a break on the weekends even though that is really the only non-clock watching time we get with them, I have to keep telling myself that I love them, they love me, and being away from them for a while, even on a weekend, probably benefits us all.
    So, no, when I read this blog, I don’t think you are terrible; I think you are honest and I completely identify with what you write! Thanks for writing this.

  8. Lawmomma77
    May 30th, 2012 @ 10:30 am

    You’re so right… it’s a benefit to everyone to have time away. Thanks!

  9. Angela E
    May 30th, 2012 @ 10:21 am

    I hear you! Me & Q’s dad’s visitation agreement is that he gets to take Q for 2 weekends out of every month. Granted, this all happened pretty recently, but the 1st few weekends w/o Q, I felt SO at loose ends…I barely knew what to do with myself, & couldn’t wait till he got back! But now that I’m a few months in, I can at least appreciate that there ARE things that are unquestionably easier to get done with Q not around. Like sorting through closets, residual unpacking from our move a year ago, massive cleaning…and oh, yeah, fun things too, like matinee movies, going to the BBQ of a friend w/o having to chase a toddler all over their lawn…and enjoying that glass of wine! So, I guess we just have to take the good with the bad. It certainly makes me appreciate him when he’s away! 🙂

  10. Lawmomma77
    May 30th, 2012 @ 10:30 am

    Omigosh, my house was SO clean this weekend! And then J was back for all of three hours and it was a pig sty all over again.

    But it’s worth it.

  11. Stephanie_lindell
    May 30th, 2012 @ 2:55 pm

    I think there’s no reason you shouldn’t have both!! How fabulous to occasionally have time away (and how great for J to be with grandparents who love him!) so that you can re-charge your batteries. THAT is what will make you the best mom that you can possibly be. And that is what J is lucky to have. Don’t worry so much about either/or, just do what you need to do to be the best you can be… and remember to have fun. Life should be fun for BOTH you and J! I think you’re doing great. 🙂

  12. homeslice
    May 30th, 2012 @ 3:29 pm

    i completely understand. i survive gracefully BECAUSE i have every other weekend off. by the time that weekend rolls around, honey, i am SO ready. i think it’s great that you reached out to them and took care of yourself. moms, single or not, don’t spend enough time taking care and nurturing ourselves. i’m glad you enjoyed your time away.

  13. Abigail Gorton
    May 30th, 2012 @ 9:36 pm

    Toddlerhood is a long, hard, brutal haul. With or without a partner. With or without grandparents who live nearby. They call it the Terrible Twos for a reason.

  14. Rita Arens
    May 31st, 2012 @ 12:04 pm

    I agree with Abigail. Toddlerhood will nearly break you. But older kids — although there are still struggles — are so much easier that you start to get a little bit of your life back. Now I can sleep in because my eight-year-old knows how to make breakfast and find the television, for instance. 🙂

  15. Anne@AlwaysHalfFull
    June 2nd, 2012 @ 12:58 pm

    I appreciate your honesty – let’s us know that these feelings we have are shared by others! Motherhood/Parenthood is hard. You lose yourself – you can’t help it. But you are so right in that the reward is worth the battle.

  16. Rachel
    June 5th, 2012 @ 4:57 pm

    As a single mom myself, I totally understand how you feel. AND, I love your honesty!! Enjoy the smiles from him; they make the bad days that much easier to get through!!

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