Posted on | September 20, 2012 | 15 Comments

When I first started to blog, I did so to create a platform for preserving my memories about J and his life.  I wanted a place I could go back and look at, to read and remember all the silly moments of his life and the silly feelings I felt as he grew.  I wanted it to be about our lives; mine, my son’s and my husband’s.  And for a while, that’s all it was.  I wrote about poop and pee and how I felt when he first said words.  I wrote about how he threw food or loved ducks or hell, anything at all that seemed to pop into my head.

And I loved it.

I loved the camaraderie of other bloggers.  I loved the sweet comments and funny responses.  I loved how we were all one little community, building each other up and supporting each other with our words and our humor.

Little by little, my friends outside of the computer started to read. My family started to read.  Other bloggers started to read.

And suddenly there was a little group of people, my sweet voyeurs, who stopped in and witnessed the wonder of being a first time mom alongside me.

Then my world collapsed when my husband left, and that little group grew bigger. Pretty soon, there were friends of friends reading, co-workers, girlfriends, boyfriends, random people who lived down the street.  I got recognized at a park once, pointed out in the grocery store.  Several friends implored me to stop… they said it was too raw, too real.  They said it wasn’t polite to be so open, wasn’t safe to share so much.  They said I’d regret being so open with my heart.  But I kept sharing because it was cathartic for me.  It made me feel better to pour out the words and to know, or believe, that what I was saying might help someone else.  And everyone here in this space was so kind… so supportive… so gentle with my broken heart. I couldn’t believe that there were people out there who would forget that there’s a real person behind this blog… a real heart, real feelings, real tears.

As I healed, I continued to share more about myself… more about my life.  I spilled about dating and working and being a single mom. And as I wrote, I believed wholeheartedly that the support and the love from my circle of voyeurs would continue.  But that was foolish, I guess.  Because some people just want to tear you down for the sake of having something to say… for the sake of a laugh… for the sake of being important, even if just for a moment.

Today, for the first time in the almost three years I’ve been blogging, the words I’ve poured out in this space have been used to hurt me.  My little corner of the internet that used to feel so safe just doesn’t anymore.  It feels… broken.

And I don’t know how to come back from that.


15 Responses to “Blogging”

  1. Roxanne Piskel
    September 20th, 2012 @ 3:26 pm

    I am so sorry you feel that way, LM.Unfortunately, people can be crueler on the internet. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that. But I hope it doesn’t keep you from your little corner. Because you still have friends here. Friends who care. Even if we may only know you through the internet.

  2. Delia
    September 20th, 2012 @ 3:52 pm

    Ditto. People are cruel because they can hide behind a computer. So sorry.

  3. MaconMom
    September 20th, 2012 @ 4:11 pm

    (((Hugs))) I am so saddened, upset, and angry.
    It’s just not right and it hurts my heart.
    They are not worthy of you.
    Love you!

  4. S
    September 20th, 2012 @ 4:16 pm

    I’m sorry. That just really sucks.

  5. Andrea Tajak
    September 20th, 2012 @ 6:47 pm

    Bullying is what this is. It sucks. It’s immature and it makes me wanna go all mama-bear on whoever hurt you. I’ll probably never know you personally but I feel like I know simply through your words. Keep your chin up and for my own selfish reasons I hope you can get past this. One of the things I look forward to everyday is reading your blog.

  6. facie
    September 20th, 2012 @ 7:18 pm

    I blog semi-anonymously. I don’t use names of people other than my immediate family. I told some relatives, a smattering of friends, and a handful of ex-coworkers about it. But I never told any parents from my kid’s elementary school about it, partly b/c for the first couple years I was not friends with any moms to even tell them about it, but mostly because I wanted a sort of safe haven to talk about school/kids’ angst (again, nameless and as generalized as possible).

    One day a mom called me up and quite heatedly told me that she did not appreciate my writing about her kid (my kid and her kid for whatever reason were not getting along and I wrote about it b/c I did not know what to do). She acknowledged I did not use any names, and I told her I had never told a soul at the school about my blog, but somehow, some other parent found it and told her about it. I apologized to her, I took the post down, and I took a short break from blogging.

    Unfortunately, the one place I could go to vent and get advice, without putting it out there more publicly on Facebook, is not there for me anymore. Now before I write something about school, I have to remind myself that at least two parents know of my blog, and who knows how many more, so I often censor myself.

    I realize your situation may be different from mine, but I do want you to know that I feel at least some of your pain, and I am sorry for you, b/c it sounds as if what you are going through is more hurtful. I wish I had words of advice. I guess you just have to do what feel right to you.

    And keep swimming. Keep swimming. Keep swimming

  7. Muriel Taylor
    September 20th, 2012 @ 7:55 pm

    People suck and unfortunately it seems to be “okay” to target other moms if you don’t agree with them. I hate this and hope you continue to find an outlet for your words!

  8. Crystina
    September 20th, 2012 @ 8:20 pm

    I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. Even if you decide you need to stop writing as much (which would suck for your fans like me!) – you do what you have to do. Virtual hugs & hope things get better!!

  9. pinkflipflops44
    September 20th, 2012 @ 10:20 pm

    I’m sorry.

  10. Kate Sluiter
    September 20th, 2012 @ 10:30 pm

    Obviously I don’t know the story behind this post, but I am so sorry. As soon as our blog is not a “safe” place anymore…well…I don’t even know. If it’s someone close to you…well, I have a foot for someone’s ass. If it’s a random troll, eff ’em. They are doing it just to do it. It’s hard, but they are trying to get you to publicly stress. Just know I’ve been there. In both situations. Hugs.

  11. Abigail Gorton
    September 21st, 2012 @ 2:26 am

    I think I know that feeling. Awful, and overwhelming. I pretty much gave up on blogging because it was too much of an emotional roller coaster. Even the ups just took more emotional energy than I had and the downs? Ouch, ouch, ouch! But I want YOU to carry on. You have 3 years of perfection. You are anational voice. IMHO, I think you should put yesterday’s post back up. It might turn into a bit of a fight as I am sure your voyeurs ( Greek Chorus, please! So much more classical), anyway, I expect we will alll get over there and defend you. What was the problem? You posted about taking contriol and scoring a small victory and some troll got alll jealous? Puhleeeze! I did not see it but I am sure it says more about you than them.

  12. Susan
    September 21st, 2012 @ 8:49 am

    So sorry that someone chose to do that. That’s awful. For what it’s worth, you have been a huge inspiration to me when I found myself in a similar situation and I hope you continue sharing your life with everyone.

  13. Jess
    September 21st, 2012 @ 9:28 am

    I’m very sorry that this happened. And it’s hurtful and wrong. This IS your space and you shouldn’t have to feel bad or apologetic. The ones who know will keep on supporting and rallying behind you. The ones with nothing better to do will always find something wrong with anything you do, no matter what. Screw them.

  14. lawmhcgirl
    September 21st, 2012 @ 12:03 pm

    This makes me so sad. I have followed this blog for 2 years, finding you after a guest post on RFML, and it has touched me tremendously. It is the only blog I read faithfully and I can absolutely say it has inspired and shared insights in a way I never imagined from reading a blog. I am so hurt for you….and hope you know whatever happens….you have touched lives.

  15. kristinayellow
    September 22nd, 2012 @ 12:07 am

    I hate hate hate that someone is using your precious courage to hurt you. I can only repeat what I tell myself (and my preschooler even though she’s a little too young to understand)–those people are trying to pull you down, hurt you, or are hateful because they feel that way themselves. They must be hurting, scared, or hateful towards themselves and have no idea how to find the courage and love that you have. For every one of those horrible comments, there are 10 more who adore you. Focus on those and say screw you to the jerks.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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