The Burden of Being Honest

Posted on | September 24, 2012 | 16 Comments

When I first started blogging, I was hell bent on being honest. All the time.  About everything.  I talked about depression and anxiety, about family problems, about my fears for my son and about raising him in the world.  I talked … at length… about divorce, and heart break, and anger, and rebuilding; and I never really thought about there being any repercussions to my honesty.  I looked at this space as “Consequence Free:”  the land of non-committal; my world of no responsibility.

And it was freeing to be so free with my thoughts and my emotions.

It was freeing to be so… me: in front of the world yet behind the curtain of my computer screen.

But the longer I write and the more you read, and yes, the older J gets, the more I’ve started to wonder about the words I put here in this space.  I’ve wondered about how my truths will affect my reality; about how they will affect J’s reality.

I wonder what will happen if I admit that I cry more than I should, more than I want to and more than I think is healthy.  I wonder if I type out how anxious I am about living alone, how I still let J sleep in my bed because it feels safer to have him there beside me with the door locked… I wonder if that will make you, all of you, raise your collective eyebrows and offer semi-unsolicited advice.  I wonder if I admit to feeling overwhelmed 90% of the time, someone will come and knock on my door and threaten to take away my child.  I wonder if I admit to being under-qualified and overworked, I’ll wake up to be underemployed and overly free from the 9-5 chains.

The more I write, the farther into my journey I go, the scarier it becomes to be honest, day to day, minute by heart-wrenching minute.

But I want to be honest here.

I want this to be my space, my place to embrace all my shortcomings so that maybe you can embrace yours.  But I have to remember that there may be very real ramifications to the ramblings in this space.  YOU have to know that I know there may be real ramifications. I have no one to blame but myself when the going gets tough over something I’ve put out there for any and everyone to see.  I have no one to blame but myself when my sharpened words are hurled back at me, when they cut into the tenderest of corners of my heart.

The truth is, I don’t know what I’m doing 92% of the time: not here, not as a mom, not as an attorney, and sure as hell not as a woman.  I’m struggling every millisecond of every day save for the blissful ten or fifteen minutes between the crazy dreams I have at night.  The reality of my situation isn’t rose-colored, it isn’t neatly encapsulated in a 500 word post about poop or forgiveness or, well, being honest.  The reality is messy.  The truth is ugly.

But if I’m going to come here and write every day or even every other day, I’m going to have to put my fear aside and just be real.  Because as ugly as it might be, the truth, as they say, will set you free.

The only real fear lies in not knowing where you’ll be when the cage doors open.


16 Responses to “The Burden of Being Honest”

  1. Candice
    September 24th, 2012 @ 4:12 pm

    Thank you for writing this. I’m so glad you shared it. I think how you feel is probably very common – or maybe we’re just in similar boats. I wish there was a way to be more honest online without feeling like I’m jeopardizing something/opening myself to criticism/feeling insecure.

  2. Law Momma
    September 24th, 2012 @ 5:10 pm

    Hey, if there are two of us, perhaps there are three! 🙂

  3. Nellie
    September 24th, 2012 @ 4:55 pm

    Not that it’s overly helpful; but I have three kids and they still all sleep with me for much the same reason. I have a large master bedroom with one king sized bed, two toddler beds and a bassinet and I only sleep well when we are all locked in there together.

    Don’t worry about being too honest, there’s no such thing.

  4. Law Momma
    September 24th, 2012 @ 7:27 pm

    It sure feels like there’s such a thing!!!

    I’m glad to hear I’m not alone on the sleeping arrangements. Makes me feel less crazy. 🙂

  5. Allysha Woods
    September 24th, 2012 @ 6:42 pm

    Truthfulness and honesty is my policy too. I have the same anxiety, fear, sadness as you… I may not have a child (we have been trying for 2 years: no baby) but I have a hubby who is in the army and gone a lot, we have been through so much… I think everyone has those fears, no one is without them… I just look at others and wonder how they just ‘live’ when I just struggle with everything, wondering if I am doing it right, going down the right path, or if I am failing miserably, and the gods help me, hopefully no one sees it. I love your blog, I love your honesty… if you feel like leaving some of it out, do it, for your sanity. If you put it all in, we won’t go running 🙂

  6. Law Momma
    September 24th, 2012 @ 7:28 pm

    Thanks… And you are NOT the only one struggling. If I didn’t have a straw in my mouth, I would have drowned long ago!!

  7. Jana Anthoine
    September 24th, 2012 @ 7:23 pm

    I struggle with what all to put out there, too. So many people (embarrassingly) call me strong and positive and blah blah (they do you, too) and that makes it even harder to post the hard stuff. ::sigh:: Love you <3

  8. Law Momma
    September 24th, 2012 @ 7:29 pm

    You are all those things. You are a warrior and I love you. Wanna meet me and maybe sandy at the zoo next weekend??? 🙂

  9. Jenna
    September 24th, 2012 @ 11:17 pm

    Your not alone on the sleeping arrangements, the fears, the doubts, on any of it. You are far braver than most, including me who can’t write about their stuff. The one thing I have learnt in going through the last few years of hell with infertility, postpartum depression/anxiety, and now separation is that sharing your burdens and your joys is a good thing.

  10. Law Momma
    September 25th, 2012 @ 9:41 am

    Agreed. It’s nice to feel like you’re not alone.

  11. Laurie
    September 25th, 2012 @ 8:36 am

    I read one time that if you stick your neck out, expect someone to cut it off. It’s so true. There are haters everywhere. BUT – be proud of sticking your neck out! It’s your therapy. AND, everyone who has ever had a three year old can totally understand where you are coming from! Haters are gonna hate. Just keep doing what you are doing and stay strong!

  12. Law Momma
    September 25th, 2012 @ 9:41 am

    That is unfortunately so true… but yeah, the way I see it, if you’re not sticking your neck out, you’re doing something wrong. Because we only live once!

  13. Laura
    September 25th, 2012 @ 3:52 pm

    Thank you so much for writing. I have been reading your blog since about the time I went back to work after my son was born. He’s 2.5 now. When I found it, I was thrilled because there are so few good working mom role models out there. And you are one for sure! Hearing your trials and triumphs made me feel so much less alone as I managed pumping, frustrations with kid-free co-workers, and my own (inflated) expectations of what I could handle in the first year. And in the second… and probably the third. 🙂

    One question – do you have rules for commenters? If not, perhaps you should? I have posted one comment in the past – it was parenting-related, and meant to be helpful, but it was deleted. Any idea why? I’m a little hesitant to post again, but I really wanted you to know you touch people with your words, your bravery, and your honesty.

  14. lawmomma
    September 25th, 2012 @ 3:55 pm

    If it was a while ago, it might have just gotten lost in the switch over. I transitioned to a new commenting system and lost a lot. 🙁 But no… no rules re: commenting so long as it isn’t mean! 🙂 Thanks for reading.

  15. KeAnne
    September 26th, 2012 @ 3:22 pm

    I am so glad you are honest because you have such an important story to tell. I find it difficult to relate to those who don’t have doubts or imperfections, seemingly limitless and effortless confidence and whose lives seem airbrushed. Truth IS messy and ugly a lot of the time; thank you for sharing yours.

  16. Sunshine
    October 6th, 2012 @ 9:40 am

    A bit delayed reply – but I had to tell you that I LOVE your honesty. You write about all the sh!t we all go through – in one way or another – but don’t always have the balls to put it up on a blog for the world to have at it. Your truthfulness is beyond refreshing and so appreciated.

    As for the haters – they are everywhere. I believe that you know you are doing something RIGHT if you DO have haters – it means you are doing the right thing and others are trying to be like crabs in a barrel and bring you back down in their own misery. In fact, I even made a bumper sticker that I put on the back of my car (it’s a 1992 blue mazda miata with powder blue painted wheels and a roll bar spray painted purple with glitter spay paint over it 🙂 ) – anyway the bumper sticker says “Haters Gonna Hate” because unfortunately people always hate on what they are too scared to have or DO.You are brave – stay strong!!!

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