Surviving Divorce: Part Two

Posted on | November 5, 2012 | 1 Comment

There will be days, there are days, when the rush of emotion is absent.  There are or will be days when you feel absolutely nothing, you feel totally numb to the world around you.  There are days when you will climb out of bed but won’t feel your feet against the floor because you, quite honestly, can not feel a thing.  Your mind will spin in endless directions and you’ll wonder if this is hell.

It is and it isn’t.

It’s the no-man’s land between, the abyss that lies in the midst of heartache.  No human can withstand the full force of grief all at once.  It must be parceled out, piece by piece, bit by bit, until you are full to the brim with the aching sadness that comes with being broken. You will sit and stare at old photographs, wedding albums, or old love letters.  You will play familiar songs on your stereo or Ipod, pull out CDs he’s written sappy notes on like “Songs that make me dream of you.”  And as you sit amidst your memories, you will wonder if you have lost the ability to feel anything other than hurt. Other than empty. Other than totally unworthy of love.

That is the exact moment that you need to pull out your credit card, or your emergency stash of cash, or tap into the savings account that you didn’t want to tap into.  Take out $40 or $50 dollars if you can and treat yourself to a day.  Go get a manicure/pedicure, splurge on a new top or dress, buy that set of weights you’ve always wanted.  Do something really extraordinarily nice for yourself. If you don’t have an emergency stash of cash, take yourself window shopping and act like you own the place.  Try on everything, even the shoes.

Because there will be times in your divorce when you will start to think about yourself the way you imagine your spouse thinks about you.  You will start to believe that you are ugly, fat, unworthy of love, obnoxious, unfunny, messy, and whatever other things have been hurled your way by an angry spouse or by your own voice against the mirror.  You will start to believe that all of this: the empty, the hurt, the tears, the anger… that all of it is 100% your own fault.

And it isn’t. Of course it isn’t.  You could sit around and blame yourself all day long and still feel exactly the same as you do before the blaming begins.  Because it doesn’t matter whose fault it is.  It doesn’t matter who is to blame.  At the end of the day, no matter who pulled the plug, the result is still the same… the life support for your marriage is gone.

Your marriage is gone.

So treat yourself with kid gloves.  Stop trying to remind yourself of all your faults, all your short comings.  Stop saying to yourself “I’m divorced” or “I’m separated” or “I’m alone.” Sure, it might be true… but you are also a million other things.  Your ex or soon-to-be-ex-spouse has treated you poorly in some manner or fashion… don’t let him or her dictate how you treat yourself.  Don’t give them that, you have already given them so much. If nothing else, you are worthy of being loved by you.  So remind yourself of that by doing something nice for YOU… just for you.  Get dolled up, take yourself to dinner… order dessert and savor every stinking last bite because you are so worth being treated like THAT.  Exactly like that.

Even if it’s only by your own heart.

Tread carefully, friend.  Remember that if you don’t embrace yourself and love yourself, even in the midst of the aching, you can’t expect to heal.  Wrap your arms around yourself and hug tightly… hold yourself together with your own two hands, even if they are the only things holding you together.  It is the most important thing you can do.  It is the only thing worth doing.

To truly get through this, you have to treat yourself with the tenderness and love you wish your spouse had shown you.  It’s the only way to paste the pieces of your heart back together.


One Response to “Surviving Divorce: Part Two”

  1. Dee
    November 5th, 2012 @ 10:46 pm

    Excellent post. I’ve never been divorced but I’ve been through some bad breakups and I can identify with all these emotions. Thank you for sharing these feelings.


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