Surviving Divorce: Part Five

Posted on | November 8, 2012 | 1 Comment

One of the most important things you can do when you’re newly divorced is to look very very closely at your life.  Look at the way you interact with your ex.  Look at the way you interact with your family.  Pay close attention to how you’re defining yourself and your life.  Then turn your life into a Lifetime Movie or a TV show.

If you are always phrasing things in terms of what your ex is doing, what your ex wants, or what your family thinks… you are not starring in your own sitcom… they are.  You’re just a minor character and if you take a good look, you may even wonder if your character is very likeable. Could you be written out as a bit player? Could the story you’re living go on quite well without you in it? Then Lucy, you have some ‘splaining to do.   Because honestly, at a minimum, you should be the star of your own sitcom.  So maybe it’s time to sit down and do some re-writing, some re-casting.  Are you surrounding yourself with people who make you feel like the bad guy? Are you casting yourself as the wronged woman? The woman who was left, the woman who wasn’t good enough?  Because I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be the woman everyone is rooting for.

If I have to be in this melodrama, I want the choicest role.  I want the one that makes me feel good about myself… the one that makes me feel strong and capable and worthy of being the leading lady in my own life.  Is it easy to make the right choices? No.  Does it feel damn good to do the wrong thing? To destroy the things he leaves behind, to bad mouth him to all your friends or all over your Facebook page? Probably so.

But you know what? Destruction of his things, trashing his reputation… those would buy you what, twenty minutes of high fives around the neighborhood?  Being the good person, being the one in the right? That gives you a lifetime of holding your head high.  You do what you need to do to get through this, but if I can offer you my own personal experiences as a suggestion, I would say to cast yourself as the good guy.  Let him take the role he’s created for himself… let him play the villan, the one no one is cheering for, the one who left his wife and child.  You hold your head high.

Be the one who makes the phone call, sends the pictures, stays in touch with the grandparents.  Be the person who is without blame, the person who can not be rationally hated in this horrific drama you’re living.  Because think about it… THAT’S the person who wins in the end.  Does it get you your marriage back? No.  Does it get your children their father back? Not on your life.

But it gives you yourself back. It gives you YOU… absent of him, absent of hatred, absent of drama. If you spend all your time worrying about him, about what he’s saying or doing, about who he’s with or what that person thinks of you… you’re not actually spending any time on YOU.   And being YOU… getting YOU back?  That should really be your primary objective.

So be the heroine.  Re-cast your life.  Re-write your script.

Be the good guy.


One Response to “Surviving Divorce: Part Five”

  1. Julianne Turner
    November 11th, 2012 @ 7:02 pm

    Good post! I’m new to this divorce thing & I feel like I walk a very fine line. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I high five myself for biting my tongue & walking away.

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