No Really, It’s Still Gross.

Posted on | March 12, 2013 | 8 Comments

Before I had kids, I always laughed at the depiction of the “typical” overbearing mother, licking her own finger and using it as a scrub brush for the children’s faces.  It was gross and disgusting and un-hygienic and CLEARLY no real mother would actually do anything that sick, right? I swore it was something I’d never do.

Then I had kids and there were times when I’d get to daycare and J would have leftover first breakfast (he’s a total hobbit, roll with it) stuck to the corners of his mouth.  Before I knew it, I would find myself licking the pad of my thumb and wiping the sticky right off his face.  And I didn’t even think twice about it. Because what else do you do, right? You can’t have the sticky kid EVERY morning.  You can’t send your kid to school with crazy hair more than one day a week when you have the built in means to tame that crap. It’s not gross… it’s science. Cats do it.  Dogs do it. WHY CAN’T I USE MY GOD-GIVEN SPIT TO CLEAN MY CHILD?  It was rationalization, sure, but it worked for me.

I slowly became one of those moms, scrubbing at my child’s face with my own spit, while he twisted and turned and yelled “Mom!” and “Dat’s enough!” and I never remembered how gross it was because it was necessary and easy and it got the job done.

Then yesterday, I found myself sitting next to my son on the sofa, watching a movie.  We’d had dinner and were in our pajamas, just cuddling up for a lovely Disney cartoon.  I was not, I repeat NOT, filthy or dirty in any way and I had not gotten my dinner on me in any way, swear.  Yet as I sat there, I felt something rub across my hand and then my wrist and then up my arm.  I looked down and my child was absently licking the palm of his hand and then rubbing it across my skin. Like a cat.  Like a damn cat cleaning it’s fur.  All up my arm there were sticky traces of three year old slobber and when I asked him what, WHAT, was he doing he looked up at me innocently.

“I’m cleaning you off, momma. Just in case you spilled some tortellini sauce.”

Sure, yes, it could be construed as adorable that he’s mimicking me in some way but mostly it’s just freaking disgusting to be basically licked by your preschooler.  Which lead me to thinking that yes, it’s probably equally gross to be basically licked by your mother.   Game, set, match to J. Point made, son.

I now re-vow that I will never spit-clean my child again. And also I bought wipes for the car. So there’s, you know… options.



8 Responses to “No Really, It’s Still Gross.”

  1. Type A Nightmare
    March 12th, 2013 @ 11:32 am

    OMG. I laughed out loud at this. That is absolutely hilarious. I think I was just the opposite though. I always assumed I would do it, until I had EK and I’ve never done it. I keep wipes out the wazoo for that very reason. They are everywhere in our house, car, purse, bag, etc. Haha. Love this post!!!

  2. Law Momma
    March 12th, 2013 @ 3:35 pm

    I just never even thought about it! It seemed natural and now I’m all WHAT WAS I DOING?

  3. Tara Esquivel
    March 12th, 2013 @ 11:37 am

    Hahahah love this, I was just thinking the other day how easy it would be to hold down my little guy’s hair with some spit… and I stopped myself thank goodness 🙂

  4. Law Momma
    March 12th, 2013 @ 3:36 pm

    You have an iron will. Unlike me. I’m all… ooh, a little spit could …

  5. Synnøve
    March 12th, 2013 @ 1:25 pm

    Ha! My sisters and I always joked that our Mom’s spit could eat through solid rock, like acid. 🙂 Now that I have a couple of my own I know that to be true. I think your spit goes all oven cleaner caustic once you pop one out. 🙂

  6. Law Momma
    March 12th, 2013 @ 3:36 pm

    So. true.

  7. Jennifer
    March 13th, 2013 @ 8:30 am

    Just the thought of sticking my finger up somebody else’s nose to get a booger out is appalling. Just the thought makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. And then I had a son. I pull those boogers out like I’m a gold miner and just struck it rich. Still gross, but if he needs a hand (or finger), I’m there. I still would be grossed out about doing it to anyone else on the planet but for him, it’s just another way I show him I love him. I’d go to the ends of the Earth for you. Also, up your nose if need be. LOL!

  8. Julia Hembree
    March 17th, 2013 @ 1:32 am

    Hahahahahah, oh my gosh I am laughing out loud at this and also nodding my head in complete agreement. Nothing worse than being licked by a preschooler….or your mother. Where are my car wipes???

  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at
  • Twitter

  • Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner


  • Grab my button for your blog!