Posted on | July 15, 2013 | 8 Comments

I still remember the first time J smiled at me, swaddled in the bassinet that had held me as a baby.  I remember when he first crawled, where he was and where I was.  I remember the joy in both me and my ex-husband when he first toddled back and forth between the two of us, his steps unsure and his arms outstretched.

This morning, I watched him climb into his car seat and nodded when he said he’d like to buckle himself in.  I watched him get half of it right and then struggle, forcing myself to wait until he asked for my help before swooping in and fastening him safely.  Then we backed out of the driveway, me nervous, him excited and I couldn’t help but smile as his little voice asked me “Did you pack my lunch? Did you remember my rain boots? Did you get the picture of us?” as though he were the adult and I was the child.

And then, inexplicably, we were there, unbuckling, swinging a Spiderman lunch box gleefully up the wooden rampway to the front door.  Inexplicably we were there. Both of us.  I asked for a picture and he woefully agreed to stand still-ish for a moment as I documented the importance of this moment… the importance for me… the nonchalance for him.

first day

He raced into the classroom, shook hands with his teacher and left me, momentarily forgotten at the front of the classroom.  I watched him quietly explore his surroundings, answering the questions from his teacher and unpacking his shoebox full of items required for the next year of school.  And then, when I realized he wasn’t coming back… wasn’t running for my arms or needing my reassurance… I called out his name.

He turned, there in the farthest corner from me, and raised his hand in a sweet half-wave with a sweet half-smile curling onto his lips.

“Bye mom!” he called, turning back to the fish tank, and inside my heart swelled with pride and broke in anguish.   I waved back and told him I loved him, then quietly slipped from the room, wiping tears he never saw from off my cheeks.

My little boy is growing up.

Today was his first day of school.


8 Responses to “Firsts”

  1. Jana Anthoine
    July 15th, 2013 @ 7:19 pm

    I mean, come on… now I’m crying. I’m so excited for J and for you. You’re going to love the school so very much!

  2. Law Momma
    July 17th, 2013 @ 4:46 pm

    I will, I know…

  3. Aim
    July 15th, 2013 @ 8:32 pm

    I’m glad for both of you….baby steps, but in a gigantic way. xo.

  4. Law Momma
    July 17th, 2013 @ 4:46 pm

    Big, huge, giant baby steps for sure.

  5. Lola M.
    July 16th, 2013 @ 10:54 am

    What a little man!

  6. Law Momma
    July 17th, 2013 @ 4:46 pm

    I know. So big.

  7. Roxanne Piskel
    July 16th, 2013 @ 1:07 pm

    So sweet. And exciting. 🙂

  8. Law Momma
    July 17th, 2013 @ 4:46 pm

    Terrifying and exciting for sure~!

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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