The Struggle

Posted on | November 28, 2018 | 6 Comments

I’m struggling.

I’d like to tell you that I’m doing great; that things are rolling along in a wonderfully smooth manner and life is one great big joyous cloud of non-methamphetamine cotton candy…. but alas, that is not the case.

I come home every day exhausted. Not the normal “I just worked a 9 hour day at a desk” exhausted, but the bone tired that comes with age and pregnancy at 40 and abject amounts of fear and anxiety that sit on my heart and leave their mark on every moment of my day.


Most days I get up exhausted, no matter how long or how hard I sleep. I lose at least one thing on the path towards leaving for work each morning… sometimes keys, sometimes a cell phone, sometimes just my mind. I try not to snap at the kids on the way to school, but I don’t often succeed. I get to work tired. I work, exhausted, trying not to cry at the drop of a hat over someone saying “hello” to me. By lunch, I’m too nauseated to eat so I close my door and cry a little to relieve some of the pressure that seems to constantly sit at the back of my throat. Then it’s back to work for another four hours or so until I climb, exhausted, down the back stairs and into my car, drive the short drive across the street to pick up C, then head to get J.

If I’m lucky, I manage not to cry on the way home because it scares the kids. If I’m really lucky, I can focus enough on the drive home to plan something for dinner.

Banks usually doesn’t get home until 6 or 6:30, and by then everyone is fed and often bathed and in pajamas. I’m too exhausted to do much more than give him half a smile before starting the bedtime process at 7 for C, followed by 8 for J… both of whom still want Momma to handle all the night time rituals. Tuck, rock, read, talk…. whatever they need to relax and get to sleep.

And then it’s 9 and I’m still so tired, and my brain is whizzing around like crazy because the house is a mess and there are clothes to wash and I can’t remember if I put gas in the car or checked over J’s homework. All I really want to do is crawl into bed, but then there’s no time for my marriage or the house or the laundry or the Christmas decorating and honestly, I just can’t with all of this anymore.

There has to be a secret I’m missing, right? There has to be an “A-HA!” moment around some proverbial corner where I’ll turn and realize there’s just a much easier way to handle all of this, right? Tell me it’s coming. Because right now?

I’m struggling.


6 Responses to “The Struggle”

  1. Laura Harper
    November 28th, 2018 @ 11:56 am

    So I am at a different phase of parenthood, but I could write most of that (pregnancy stuff excepted). What has helped a LOT is more help. We have an au pair. Look into it. Or a morning or afternoon nanny. Or mother’s helper. Outsource more. And then also give yourself grace. Pregnancy is never easy. It got harder each time for me because I was older and I one them two other kids to help. You don’t have to decorate. Really. The sun will still rise. Pick tasks that you can turn over entirely to Banks and then don’t think of them again. And get more help. Even a teenager who does laundry and checks homework. Even if you’re home at the same time. Next, fewer baths. Finally, it really does get easier when they get older. Everyone promised me that, and it turns out it’s true. Hang in there. You’re awesome and you’ve got this.

  2. Santa Claus
    November 28th, 2018 @ 3:29 pm

    Wishing you and your family lifetimes filled with happiness, peace, good health, prosperity, and, most of all, love — the greatest gift.

  3. Sharon
    November 29th, 2018 @ 12:44 pm

    If there is a secret to handling it all — with or without the fatigue of pregnancy at 40 — I haven’t found it. (Full-time working lawyer mom of almost-7-year-old twin boys.) I have found that I just have to accept that I can’t do it all, outsource what I can, and lower my standards.

    Take care.

  4. Andrea
    December 1st, 2018 @ 8:21 am

    I think the social media perception makes us believe there is a secret when there isn’t one. We are exhausted, we always feel like we are trying to catch up and some days the emotions are optimistic and we can power through while others the emotions are in the toilet and we struggle. Accepting that you can’t do it all and also be it all to everyone all the time is tough. Do what you can. Prioritize yourself, your husband, your kids. The rest can wait til you get to it. (Also..welcome back)

  5. Laura
    December 3rd, 2018 @ 7:48 pm

    I’m in the middle of a cross-country move and could’ve written almost exactly what you wrote, albeit for completely different reasons. I’m exhausted and so emotional that I cry a few times a day, usually without warning. All I can do is take things day by day (and sometimes hour by hour). I imagine you’re in a similar boat. I’m terrible at listening to the rational side of my self that tells me this will all pass eventually and things will be okay (whatever the new okay looks like). So, for now, deep breaths; tomorrow is a new day. We can and will do hard things.

  6. Ruthie
    December 4th, 2018 @ 11:03 am

    Momma, this is a difficult season, not forever. What helps me is finding 10 (or more) minutes each day to be still by myself. It’s an important reminder that my worth isn’t tied to my work, marriage, motherhood, or anything else. I deserve to feel a sense of peace even when there are a million other demands that haven’t been addressed. You do too!

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