House Hunters

Posted on | July 29, 2019 | 2 Comments

I returned to work from maternity leave two Mondays ago, as luck would have it, I found a house I wanted to look at on the same day. It was for sale by owner and in the neighborhood I really hoped to be in. The back yard had a pool and the house sat on nearly two acres of wooded land.

It seemed like it could be a perfect fit for a family like mine.

Feeling very put together after my first day at work, I insisted I could make it to the house by 5:30 with all three boys. Banks was to meet us there at the same time. We’ve been half-heartedly looking for a larger house for quite some time, knowing that eventually our three boys will outgrow their two small bedrooms and need more space to spread out. I say half-heartedly because moving is a chore no matter when you do it, but moving with a newborn and a two year old sounds like a violation of the Geneva Convention.

In any event, I was rocking along. I worked a full day back. I picked up the boys and it was with a large smile that I pulled into the driveway of the house. J announced it was “the ultimate hide and seek house” based on the curving drive up through the wooded area and the youngest two were quietly watching a movie. Or so I thought. We parked and I got out of my sweet new minivan, popping the side doors open with a flourish because honestly, if you’re going to rock a minivan you should full on ROCK the minivan. I take my minivan life very seriously, now.

I got the baby out then walked over to unlatch C from his car seat. Inexplicably, he was asleep.

If you know anything about two year olds, you know that when they fall asleep at 5:30 during a ten minute car ride, it can only mean trouble. Either they are sick or they have a secret plan to ruin your entire week by never sleeping at night again. Nonetheless, we were at the house so I shrugged and Banks lifted him up and we headed over to greet the owners.

The owners, we’ll call them Jack and Jill for the sake of their privacy, were so fun. We immediately hit it off with them, laughing and joking as they showed us through their multi-purpose garage and into their lovely home. We chatted about mutual friends and I was feeling pretty good about the house, the owners, and … lets face it… myself. I mean, I was rocking this mom of three thing. How hard could it be, right? You get up, you go to work, you go look at a house… I was feeling like I had everything together in fierce “star of my own movie” fashion. In the background of my now playing life movie, Geto Boys were singing and I was feeling damn good being such a gangsta.

We stepped into the dining room while Jill pointed out the office in front of us and I heard a strange noise.

Was it Banks?

Was it J being goofy?

Did the baby spit up?

I turned to Banks to ask, only to find him wide-eyed staring at me. C was leaning back, eyes red, and I thought for a minute he was going to throw a tantrum of epic proportions. But then I realized what was happening. I did the only thing I could think of to do… I stuck my hand under his mouth.

And then the vomit started.

In the lovely dining room of these absolute strangers.

It hit the floor with a splat. Banks pulled his shirt up into a makeshift bucket and caught most of it as it billowed out of our two year old as though we were staring down into the mouth of hell.

“Oh God,” I helpfully said, watching the scene unfold. “He’s throwing up.”

Both Jack and Jill were the kindest about the whole situation, having children themselves, but I was downright mortified. In the back of my head, Geto Boys silenced and Chris Rock started singing about a circus at the top of his lungs. Banks was covered in throw up. C was crying and covered in throw up. J was helpfully saying “Gross. So Gross. There’s puke everywhere” over and over. Jill took the baby. Jack offered new clothes for Banks. C stripped down to his diaper on their back porch.

Oh friends. Just when you think you have life together, you find yourself in a stranger’s home, cleaning vomit off their dining room floor.

This is my life now.



2 Responses to “House Hunters”

  1. Kelster
    July 29th, 2019 @ 7:48 pm

    I’m laughing but oh the horror! So, do you like the house?

  2. Law Momma
    July 30th, 2019 @ 12:37 pm

    You know, I did! But my husband has PTSD and will not return to the scene of the crime. ??‍♀️

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