A Cry for Help

Posted on | October 4, 2022 | 6 Comments

I’ve been putting this off.

I realize that sounds silly, because, after all, this was always a space for me to just say what’s in my head in the hopes that saying it would get it out of my head and therefore make it less painful or whatever. Still, I’ve been putting this off.

See, I may have been open and honest about a lot, but I still tried to frame myself well. I still tried to hold the camera up high and tilt my chin just so and smile with the right amount of honesty and coyness so that I looked… mostly good. Even when I looked bad.

But I don’t know how to hold the camera right now, because one of my kids is hurting and I don’t know how to help him.

90% of the time, I have this amazing, sweet, kind-hearted, phenomenal kid. He love dinosaurs. He loves to laugh. He watches Paw Patrol and sings made up songs. He adores his brothers.

90% of the time, he’s perfectly wonderful.

But 10% of the time … 10% of the time he is really, really hard. And I don’t know what to do about it.

It started about two years ago with inappropriate outbursts, temper tantrums, and yelling at his teachers. It escalated last year to throwing classroom items and hitting/kicking his teachers. Today, the school called because he tried to bite an assistant principal.

And yall.

I don’t know what to do.

We’ve pulled every string there is to pull to try to get him in to see a specialist for behavior therapy and diagnostic testing. The first appointments were months away. MONTHS. We’ve begged. We’ve pleaded. We’ve tried ignoring, punishing, rewarding… you name it. And nothing works.

Deep down, I’ve always known there are kids who struggle. I’ve always known there are kids who act out and aren’t polite and kind. But those kids have crappy parents, right? Those kids have terrible home lives where things are broken and falling apart. Those kids aren’t MY kids.

Only… this is my kid.

There’s nothing in the world like seeing your child, your sweet, precious, amazing child, look at you with wide eyes and tell you he doesn’t KNOW why he acted like that. He doesn’t know why  he is mean to people who love him. He doesn’t have a reason. He can’t explain it. He doesn’t want to do it, but he can’t control it and then with his big blue eyes he calls himself a “bad kid” and says he has to partner with “other bad kids.” He says he goes to see “the teacher who works with bad kids.”

He thinks he’s BAD.

And every day it breaks me a little more until I’m just this pile of mush and tears and confusion just begging someone, ANYONE to please help me help my kid. Help me bring his smile back. Help me teach him he’s not bad just because he’s struggling.

Help. Me.

Or maybe just tell me I’m not alone? That I can do this? That I can advocate for this sweet ball of sunshine and hellfire.

Because I’m starting to worry that I can’t.

Comments

6 Responses to “A Cry for Help”

  1. Brandy
    October 4th, 2022 @ 9:52 pm

    Momma, I don’t have *that kid*, I AM THAT KID. It started around age 12ish- I honestly don’t remember how long ago- there is not a single thing anyone could say or do to change my behavior, as most of the time I don’t remember what happens.
    it truly sounds like Dissociative Personality Disorder, especially if he doesn’t remember what happened and only “knows” what he’s being told. Ask him every question you can think of.
    • Does he feel anything triggers the outbursts?
    • Does he remember the outbursts or is he only “remembering” what he’s being told?
    • Is it a certain person or activity that triggers him?
    • Is it HIM that’s doing these things or is it “someone” else?
    • Does he have hallucinations- visual or audible? (Does he hear/ see things that nobody else does?)

    Do certain foods trigger his behavior?? Watch what he eats on his “days”,

    You’ve got this Momma, and so does he.

    (I have Dissociative Personality Disorder and a whole laundry list of mental health issues. If I can be of any help, or answer any questions, I’ll answer as truthfully as I possibly can.)

  2. Christie Freeman
    October 5th, 2022 @ 5:00 am

    You are not alone. I hope you get the help you both need. And I pray your son realized he is not ‘bad’, that so many teens are having a really hard time expressing their fears and anger, the stress of these times. Neither of you is alone.

  3. The Many Thoughts of a Reader
    October 5th, 2022 @ 2:23 pm

    <3

  4. Leah
    October 5th, 2022 @ 2:35 pm

    I’m sorry your family is going through this struggle. I have zero advice for you but I wanted you to know I saw your post. Sending you a huge hug.

  5. Kelster
    October 6th, 2022 @ 12:22 am

    I wish I had some experience and could tell you all the right things. But I don’t. But I do know that you can and will do this. You can fight hard for your ball of sunshine.

  6. Sharon
    October 11th, 2022 @ 7:24 pm

    You can do this. Not to say that it’s not challenging.

    We have twin sons and have had various behavior issues with each of them at different times. One of them was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6. The other has no diagnoses but is simply unmotivated by most punishments.

    Solidarity. I hope you can get your son evaluated sooner and manage in the interim.

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